Negligent Blogger Again?
Not really, although I know it seems like it. I'm working on another blog, one for a more specific purpose, for my adult DD. I'll post a link here when I get it up and running. I don't want to bring y'all down by reading my rants on this blog. You see, I'm starting to realize that I'm having difficulty in finding humor in anything. Usually, I can find sarcastic humor in just about anything. I usually don't take myself seriously. And I usually don't worry. But the "mom" in me has kicked in with a fury. And I realize I need a release. So I'm going to blog all this hurt, worry and pain out of my system. Maybe then, I can let go of some of this and get back to my old self.
In order to do so, I'm going to write letters to my DD. I can't talk to her these days, because this bright, beautiful, intelligent young lady is suffering some natural consequences for behaviors and choices made over the past year or two. The ultimate demon behind these behaviors is addiction, an illness that she continues to deny and for which she continues to refuse treatment.
Some of her excuses include:
Treatment would take her away from her friends; and she's simply unwilling to make such a sacrifice. Treatment would involve new friends who might not understand her undying devotion to her fiance, who, btw, she can only see when she visits the county lock-up. Treatment would include admission that she has a problem, which she is unwilling to do because she considers that "a lie". She considers her only problems to be a result of her parents not loving her enough to make bail for her boyfriend and pay off and buy back her repossessed car.
After being "missing" for several months with no contact, she is finally calling again. I should be thankful; at least I know she is alive. But EVERY time she calls, it's to curse, scream, cry, blame, intimidate, and attempt to guilt one of us into a cash donation to further fuel her illness and lack of accountability. When we refuse this, and offer other alternatives like treatment, she angrily hangs up the phone and disappears again for several days.
The calls are coming more frequently. So I know she must be getting closer to that perverbial "rock bottom" that addicts must often reach before change. But she's still not willing to change her lifestyle in order to change her life. So the angry hang up is coming much sooner in the call than before. Of course, it probably doesn't help when she continues to cry out, "What are you going to do to fix this mess?" and I reply, "Let us help you help yourself to work through it." That's usually when I get the angry, "You're my mother! I just need you to fix this mess!" and then the hang up.
It hurts. It hurts to hear her like this. It hurts to not be able to wave a magic mommy-wand and make it all go away. It hurts that in my attempts not to enable her, she believes that I don't care or don't love her. It also hurts to hear all the lies, the excuses and the denial. And probably the worst pain of all is having a daughter who is a total stranger, a person I feel I don't even know.
I know I didn't cause this, can't control it and can't cure it. But I also know that her addiction is taking a lot out of me. Therefore, I will blog while I continue to pray that someday, somehow, she will come around.
In order to do so, I'm going to write letters to my DD. I can't talk to her these days, because this bright, beautiful, intelligent young lady is suffering some natural consequences for behaviors and choices made over the past year or two. The ultimate demon behind these behaviors is addiction, an illness that she continues to deny and for which she continues to refuse treatment.
Some of her excuses include:
Treatment would take her away from her friends; and she's simply unwilling to make such a sacrifice. Treatment would involve new friends who might not understand her undying devotion to her fiance, who, btw, she can only see when she visits the county lock-up. Treatment would include admission that she has a problem, which she is unwilling to do because she considers that "a lie". She considers her only problems to be a result of her parents not loving her enough to make bail for her boyfriend and pay off and buy back her repossessed car.
After being "missing" for several months with no contact, she is finally calling again. I should be thankful; at least I know she is alive. But EVERY time she calls, it's to curse, scream, cry, blame, intimidate, and attempt to guilt one of us into a cash donation to further fuel her illness and lack of accountability. When we refuse this, and offer other alternatives like treatment, she angrily hangs up the phone and disappears again for several days.
The calls are coming more frequently. So I know she must be getting closer to that perverbial "rock bottom" that addicts must often reach before change. But she's still not willing to change her lifestyle in order to change her life. So the angry hang up is coming much sooner in the call than before. Of course, it probably doesn't help when she continues to cry out, "What are you going to do to fix this mess?" and I reply, "Let us help you help yourself to work through it." That's usually when I get the angry, "You're my mother! I just need you to fix this mess!" and then the hang up.
It hurts. It hurts to hear her like this. It hurts to not be able to wave a magic mommy-wand and make it all go away. It hurts that in my attempts not to enable her, she believes that I don't care or don't love her. It also hurts to hear all the lies, the excuses and the denial. And probably the worst pain of all is having a daughter who is a total stranger, a person I feel I don't even know.
I know I didn't cause this, can't control it and can't cure it. But I also know that her addiction is taking a lot out of me. Therefore, I will blog while I continue to pray that someday, somehow, she will come around.
posted by Senati | 2:20 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home